Friday, February 15, 2008

Crying

I have spent the last hour or so crying.

Mrs. T called about an hour ago, to let me know that she has not made a decision yet, because the observation did not help her make up her mind. I guess she did not realize that I was subbing for the para-pro until after the observation when she said something to Mr. L about the fact that the kids were not listening as well as she would have liked.

I thanked her for letting me know, and explained again that we had completed most of what I had really felt comfortable with, and then moved into parts of the day that I had only seen once before. Plus that it was right before break/recess so they were extra ancy. I am not sure if explaining that all helped my cause or hurt it.

I am so upset because she missed it when they were sitting there on their best behavior being so good that they made my heart sing, she missed it when we were rolling like semi's on the making words, she missed our warm up activity that they followed to the letter even though we were doing it 3 hours later than normal, and she missed that they were bouncy and ancy even for Mrs. J all day because a. it was Valentines day, and b. it was the last day before 6 school days off.

I am so upset because I tried so hard and it wasn't enough.

I am so upset because I want this job so bad I can taste it. I have so many ideas of what to do and how to do it, and I don't think I am going to get the chance. I really feel like I could/can make a difference at this school and with these kids.

I am so upset because we need me to get a job, a full time teaching job.

I know I said I wasn't getting my hopes up, but I did...

I know that she said yet... which means there may still be a chance, but right now it doesn't feel like it, because how can she see something that she wants to see this week while they are out? Or how can she see something that she wants to see the week we get back from break if I am still in the same situation? Where I am not the teacher in charge of the classroom? I am sure the kids would do better all around if we were able to go from point a to point z in the day in order, but I still wouldn't be the one in charge really, and if Mrs. J is there then they know that.

I know all I can do now is pray that god shows me what he wants from me, and what he wants me to do, hopefully without loosing my mind between here and there.
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